Fear of commitment - Tips

Stay present in situations where you feel a little bit fear of commitment. Take it step by step. You will see that your free space grows bigger.

Don't avoid situations where you feel the fear. That can only make the fear bigger. But experiment with small steps in situations where you feel a little fear.

Does your partner have a fear of commitment? Then accept that your partner is someone with a fear of commitment. Partially it might always stay like that.

You can see it as a handicap of your partner that you will have to learn to live with too, if you want to stay with your partner.

When someone has a broken leg, you also don't blame him for not being able to run a marathon. So don't blame somebody who has fear of commitment that he feels easily suffocated and needs space.

Do you have fear of commitment, then communicate honest and clear about your needs and your boundaries.

Would you for example like to sleep alone at night, because you need space, express this honestly.

Are you a partner of somebody with fear of commitment, realize that by giving him or her space, the chances increase that the relationship will work out.

What does commitment mean to you? What pictures does it trigger?

Can you make a drawing about it? Or write a story or poem about it?

You can collect pictures from magazines and make a collage. Use anything that comes up in you (words, ideas, different materials) to visualize commitment as you experienced and experience it with parents, partners, friends, children, work, etc.

Without any judgment about it, make time to explore it. This way you connect with what commitment means to you at this moment...

Investigate the secondary gain of having fear of commitment. Even when you want to let go of your fears, it can be that you do not succeed, because (unconsciously) you benefit from having the fear.

- It can be, for example, that because of your fear, you do not have to do certain things that you actually do not want to do.
- Or because of your fear you receive extra attention from your parents, lovers or therapists. And that you actually like that.

As soon as you know what the positive effects of your fears are (the secondary gain), you can start to look for an alternative way to get the same advantage, without having to hold on to your fears.

The next questions can help you discover the advantage of your fear:

- What (nice things) can I do because of the fear, of commitment, what I otherwise could not do?
- What (nice things) do I receive because of the fear, that I would otherwise not receive?
- What could go wrong when I do not have the fear of commitment anymore?

Visualize what you want.

Visualize how you want to be in certain situations, how you want to think, how you want to feel and how you want to act.

Think of a certain current situation where you often feel anxious. And visualize how you would want to feel. Imagine it vividly and try to really feel and experience it.

You are then practicing, in your mind and with your emotions, and you are preparing your body for this situation. You are creating new possibilities.

When the situation presents itself again in the future you have created a new framework, with which you feel differently, you think differently and you act differently.

We all have different parts in us (sub personalities). Those different parts do not always agree with each other. For example on one side you want this, but on the other side you want something else.

So in the same way there are parts in you that are fearful. Also those parts have good intentions and often want to protect you.

In the past, this part was maybe very useful, but right now it is probably more like a burden.

Listen to what this part of you that fears commitment wants to tell you and connect with it again. Accept in a loving way that this part is there and allow it to be there. When this part feels heard and acknowledged, then there is space for change.